Dr. Mary C. McDonald
They sat in my office, their eyes glazed over with confusion and concern, talking about their teen-age child who was a student at the school where I was Principal. It was a discussion similar to hundreds of others I have had over the years with parents of pre-teen and teen-age children. The symptoms of this adolescent age are ancient and universal. Bubbly conversations are often replaced with monosyllabic grunts and caustic retorts to simple parental questions like “How was your day?” The adoring eyes of childhood now often turn into glaring slits in a pouty face. What happened? And the parents’ questions about their teens are just as universal. “He is so different,” they say, “He seems so distant, resentful of our questions, our rules, the things we always did together as a family.” “There is always a drama going on,” others have said, “and we always find ourselves in the middle of it, not even sure why we’re so upset.” “She says we’re intruding into her life,” a mother says. “He says that these are supposed to be the best years of his life, and we’re ruining them”, a father moans. “It seems like the worst years of our lives!” “Keep parenting”, I say, “He’ll be back”, as I hand the parents a copy of a piece I read years ago, when my children were in the throes of that 6th through 12th grade syndrome. Its author is unknown, but my friends and I passed it around like a recipe for survival, as we traded war stories from those best years of our teenagers’ lives. “Read this, it might help,” I say to the parents, as I gave them a copy.
The Cat Years
I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate - teenagers are cats. It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts it's head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.
Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your footsteps, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry -- then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.
You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings. Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch, and stay, and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.
Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away. Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.
One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you." Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.
It is by no means a coincidence that the only account we have of Jesus as a child is when he was approaching adolescence. If there was ever a time that parents need divine inspiration and guidance, it is when they are parents of an adolescent child. Even God’s Son exhibited the stereotypical rebellion, posturing, and search for independence that is so much a part of adolescence. And as for His parents, well, some things never change. Just like us, they worried over the behavior of their adolescent child. Their firm, but slightly insecure, admonition was so much like yours. You know what is best, but your teenagers seem so sure of themselves, and so determined to do things their way, you often find yourself questioning your own judgment. Their world seems so foreign to you, sometime even dangerous. And, like Mary and Joseph, you must be firm in your commitment to continue to be parents to your adolescent child, whether he likes it or not.
It is never easy being a parent. But, being a parent of an adolescent is particularly trying. It was always a source of strength for me, when my children were teenagers, to recall how Mary and Joseph handled their rebellious teen when he wandered off from a family outing, seeking his independence. They ‘grounded’ him for eighteen years. They must have. The next time we hear of him he is thirty years old. That might not work well for you. But at least trust your same God-given intuition and authority as a parent. Claim for yourself what we behold in Mary and Joseph. Parent your child so that he/she too will continue to grow in wisdom and age and grace.
When you can look back on these years of parenting teenagers with the wisdom that comes from experience, and the confidence that comes from survival, you can then enjoy watching your adult children raise their teenagers. Now those are the best years of your life!
