Dr. Mary C. McDonald
When my fourth grandchild was born, my role in the proceeding was to do what grandparents do, baby-sit. I was in charge of my then 2 year old grandson, Nicholas, until his parents returned from the hospital with his baby sister. My daughter left pages of instructions, but I never had time to read them, so I resorted to a grandparent's right to take the path of least resistance. It is a luxury not afforded to parents. By the time the rest of his family returned home, Nick was a changed man. He had rediscovered the unrestricted use of a pacifier. He kept one in his mouth, and a spare in each pocket. He had a bath in the sink, frozen yogurt and Cheetos for dinner, and stayed up until ten each night listening to “one more story”. I was confident that his parents would straighten him out as their routine returned, and they did. As for me, I have learned what a grandparent’s role is really about.
Being a grandparent, or a great grandparent, of a child in today's society is a particular challenge and a particular delight. My grandchildren don’t fool me with their charming theatrics, but I find it entertaining that they try. It didn’t take long before they learned that I am a “soft touch”, and I confess that on more than one occasion we have become co-conspirators in getting around their parents’ rules, like “Finish your dinner, or no dessert”. I am delighted that they are always so eager to see me. Their faces light up when I open my front door, and they bound into the house with the expectation of a good time. All that I learned about parenting seems not to apply to grandparents, so I leave the hard part to their parents. Going to Mimi and Pop Pop’s house is an adventure in freedom. Yet, I know that grandparents are supposed to be noted for the things they teach their grandchildren. What can I teach my grandchildren that will last longer than a good time? What is my role? What example can I give them that will last a lifetime? I know. I will respect and support the wisdom of their parents.
Parenting has become so complicated today in a society that often seeks to undermine our core values and negate the role of parents as the first teachers of their children. I don't think parents always get the credit they deserve for the strides they are making in raising parenthood to an art form. I remember when mothers had babies, and expectant fathers sat around in smoke-filled waiting rooms with a roll of dimes clutched in one hand, and a list of names and phone numbers in the other. They waited for the results of a very mysterious process to be announced so they could make their phone calls, pass out cigars and then go back to the business of running the world. Parents today have dismantled the former social order by declaring that parenthood is a joint project. Both mothers and fathers "deliver" their babies, and share in the responsibility of childcare in every area from diaper changing to carpools, from cooking to coaching. In a world that often denies the power of family, parents work together to provide for their children the value system, education and advantages they believe will help their child become a God-centered, successful, happy and productive member of society. ,And, as if that weren't enough, both mothers and fathers go about the business of running the world. They even replaced the cigars with no-smoking signs.
I admire the involvement of parents today, and I am in awe of their energy level. I am also puzzled by their inability to appreciate just what an outstanding job of parenting they do. I have spent most of my life with other peoples' children, and I have seen the fruits of their labors. ,If there were only one thing I could say to parents today it would be this, “Never doubt your God-given ability to be a loving, successful, effective parent. You have the ability to be a parent who knows that there are good times and bad, laughter and tears, that an appropriate "no" is more loving than a million "yeses," that right is still right even if nobody else does it, and wrong is still wrong even if everybody else does it, and that God is the source of our strength. When there are times you feel lost, pull over and ask God for directions. He will give you what you need to continue the journey. All of us grandparents and great grandparents, all of us who have been where you are, all of us who have raised you, all of us are here, first to support you, then to play with your children. We support your rules, your strategies for raising your children, and we want you to know that we understand the challenges you face. When you can let go of the fear of failure, the fear of comparison, the fear of inadequacy and the fear of imperfection, then you can love joyfully and freely and truly appreciate the God-given gift of parenthood, and the wonderful job you are doing. You will also be able to look forward to that blissful time when the pressure is off and you can let your grandchildren eat frozen yogurt and Cheetos for dinner.”
