Dr. Mary C. McDonald
It was an interesting experience, listening to a discussion by a group of friends I was with, all of whom were Priests or Religious Sisters, about what period of married life is the most difficult. They determined that the first year was the hardest. I just listened. They must have heard that joke about a marriage is when a man and women become one, and the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. “You’re married,” one friend said, “what do you think?” “I think it’s the first forty-five years,” I responded, “that’s my experience. That’s how long Joe and I have been married. Of course, if you asked my parents, they would probably have said the first sixty-seven years. That’s how long they were married before they died.” That sort of ended the discussion, and we moved on to another topic. But I continued to think about the question they asked. I believe that marriage is a commitment that is lived out, and the strength, or weakness, of the commitment cannot be confined to a single year, but by the grace, and extension of God’s love, that defines the commitment.
It all starts out so grand, and a bit foggy. The marriage vows are spoken quickly, and are lived out slowly. The vows are just an overview of the possible realities yet to come. You could never put all that may lie ahead into words. You just have to live out the commitment, trusting in God’s sacramental grace. At a Catholic wedding, the vows lay the foundation of the new community, called family, which is created.
I, ______, take you,_______, to be my spouse. Yes, just this one, life-long friend and lover, forsaking all others. No new and improved model in the future, because you want to keep the newness alive, and improve together, for the best is yet to be.
I promise to be true to you in good times … This is the easy part, the breather. It’s the times of love, laughter, and success that carry you. When things go right, when you have faithful family and friends to support you, God’s love shining through your days, a job that fulfills and rewards you; when you have children who do well in school, are involved at church, are strong competitors, exhibiting good sportsmanship, and who have friends who are upright and moral influences, you say, “I can do this”.
… and in bad… These are the times that cause you to dig deep into that reserve of grace and prayer that will strengthen your vows. The “bad” part is hard. When there may be times of loneliness, unfaithfulness, anger, failure, hurt, unemployment, insecurity, addiction; when there are children who struggle in school and in life, who are lost or lonely, or who just want to get into the game, and cannot, or be invited to the party, and are not, who have friends who set them on a path of destruction, you may say, “I can’t do this.”
…in sickness…It could be a sickness of mind, body, or spirit,. It could be your own, your spouse’s, your child’s, or your parent’s. A marriage includes all the events that may unfold. The strength of a life together, with prayer, and God’s grace, is an uncertain journey through every kind of circumstance, challenge, or catastrophe that may tempt you to think, “I can’t do this.”
…and in health…You know, those times when you walk, run, play, laugh, feel strong, with all of your parts working as they should, that your mind, heart ,and soul rejoice, and you think, “I can do this.”
…I will love you…It is authentic love that makes us able to take on all the problems and challenges of married life. It is a love that goes all the way down to the soul. It is a love that says, “I might not like you sometimes, I might resent you, or your friends, or your job. I might get angry and say or do things I don’t mean, but I love you.” Love forgives. Love endures. Love lifts us up.
…and honor you… It is a reverence for one another that says, “I will respect the decisions you make, and will trust you, and be trustworthy. I will celebrate your accomplishments, and stand by you in your failures. I will brag about your talents, and be silent about your shortcomings, public with acclaim for you, private with my criticism.”
…all the days of my life. Though some days may be harder than others, and those days may stretch into years, you promise each other, that both of you, together, with God’s grace, love, and prayer, can do it.
It is not what happens in the first year that makes or breaks a marriage. It is how married couples respond in love and faith to whatever happens in all the years, that strengthens the commitment to live out the vow to be joined together by God.
